So I’m moving into a new apartment, and I was told that the room had been damaged, but nothing could have prepared me for the fact that someone had carved Li Shang’s head out of the bathroom door and written “We must defeat the Huns!” on it.
This is the one time of year that I love wasps.
Not because the wasps themselves get any nicer. They’re horrid little creatures year round. No, it’s because I have a couple of big apple trees out back, and late August, early September is when the apples start ripening.
Now, if you don’t harvest your own fruit, there are two things you need to know about apples.
The first thing you need to know about apples is that, when apples get ripe, they tend to fall from the tree at the slightest breeze.
I often work late at the office; by the time I get home, there are piles of apples scattered everywhere - and sure enough, the wasps are out in force, gorging themselves on the fruit. When I go to clean up the windfallen apples, the wasps naturally do the “rawr, I’ma fuck you up!” routine for which wasps are known.
The second thing you need to know about apples is that they ferment very rapidly in the late August heat.
So: the wasps try to come at me, but they’re too drunk to fly. They get about an inch off the ground, then faceplant directly into the turf, flip over onto their backs, and lay there, legs twitching in the air as they try in vain to find something to sting.
Perhaps I’m a man of simple pleasures, but I bust up laughing every. single. time.
I tried to reblog this with a witty tag, but Tumblr took it as serious advice:
SO I ACTUALLY DID THIS A FEW MONTHS AGO AND I DIDNT EVEN THINK THEY LOOKED AT THIS SORT OF THING SO BY THE TIME THE DELIVERY MAN CAME I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT I WROTE THAT AND THE GUY WAS REALLY CUTE. WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR HE WAS SUPER FLUSTERED AND DROPPED HIS PEN, THE BAG HOLDING THE PIZZA AND THE RECEIPTS. THEN after i signed the receipt and he was getting ready to leAVEEEE HE GOES “So… umm… did you actually put that?” and i was like “put what?” and he goes “… to.. um… tell you.. um that you’re pretty” omg it hit me that this was why he was all nervous and i started cracking up omfg then he told me that i was pretty.
i did this once but when the guy came to the door I sent my friend Martin to get the pizza and I heard muffled laughter and then Martin came back into the room with the pizza and whispered “he told me I was pretty”
This is on my bucket list
imagine the SOUND of someone walking down the street wearing those
clikFWP clikFWP clikFWP
An owl landed in a bar
deAR SIR, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WIZARD?
WHAT IS THIS STRANGE PLACE
THIS IS THE MOST POWERFUL VINE
I’m not sure how I didn’t anticipate that
I can’t stand these fucking people with these fucking family window stickers on their cars a murderer is gonna come into your fucking house and you’re gonna try to hide your kids in the fucking closet and he’s gonna be like naw bitch I saw your fucking mini van I know you have six more kids where are they
"Go easy when you’re playing video games with the kids-"
the spice girls > the beatles
what the actual fuck
what?? scared to hear the truth??
Newborn baby stuns doctors by holding her own bottle (in the UK)
A baby girl has amazed doctors with her ability to hold her own feeding bottle. Two-week-old Ammra was able to grasp her bottle alone just three days after she was born at Queen’s Hospital, Romford in Essex, her mother Onyi Chiedozie said.The 20-year-old, who is using a combination of breast and bottle feeding, said doctors and nurses were stunned by the baby’s ability to master her strong grip so soon after she was born.
this baby is gonna be a brain surgeon when she’s like 10
For people who are like big deal, she held a cup.
My nephew didn’t hold a bottle till he was like one. Most babies don’t know how to process gravity or the concept of if you grip the bottle it stays close to you where you can suckle it and if you tilt it back the liquid is accessible and it’s a lot to process for a baby okay.
This baby is way ahead in neuromuscular and cognitive development. She’s one of the xmen probably, it’s really amazing, the equivalent of a baby saying it’s first word at 2 months old ok it’s really amazing
Anybody else thinking superhero? Like her brain is gonna be so strong by middle school she’ll be making books float and reading minds